Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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