If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
