My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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