Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
