I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
