Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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