I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
