I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
