Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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