he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
