she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
