im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
