Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
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You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
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Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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