blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Dating After Heartbreak
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
i've created a new STD.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.