He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm both gender and math confused
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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