If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
