no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm too high and old for this...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
