Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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