Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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