she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
