i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
