Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
