Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
