My Higher Power is John Stamos
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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