he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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