In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
