i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
