It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
