I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
