mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
