The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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