Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
