Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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