does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You left your underwear on the fireplace
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
