Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
