Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
