my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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