Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
