You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
