oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
