Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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