It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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