Don't you send me to vm
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
