Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
