having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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