i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
