Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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