Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
