So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
