i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I smell like Dick and happiness
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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