K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
