Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
