How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
