it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
if i died would you start the facebook group?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
