I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
