Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
