she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Randomize
