Don't make out with my wife yet
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize