I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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